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I am The Ricky!

Today, Ricky Martin shocked no one by coming out. Let me say that coming out is never easy, even ten years after you were a massively popular household name, and I’m very glad he did. I couldn’t help imagining what conversations were going on between him and his boyfriend the days leading up to the announcement.

When you read this, voice the characters with an terrible Antonio Banderas accent.

RICKY MARTIN and his incredibly hot latin BOYFRIEND are sitting in the living room of their villa, which rests off the coast of Puerto Rico. They are finishing up a meal of Arroz con Pollo with a bottle of Argentinian Malbec. Ricky sits back and sighs softly.

What is wrong my love?

I am not sure I can do this.

But The Ricky – we talked about this! It’s time the world knows who you are!

I know… but I am The Ricky! The women, they want me to live the vida loca, not la vida pichita! What will they say?

The Ricky, my love, the women will love you more. Do you know why? Because you are hot gay man! Before, the women only wanted you to shake your incredibly tight ass. Now, they want you to go shopping for shoes with you! You will become to women what Madonna is to us – a god!

I like Lady Gaga better.

BF jumps out of his chair.

(Yelling) Esa puta? No digas cosas malas de nuestra dios!

Of course – you are right my love. But this will tarnish everything I worked for! When I do my comeback tour next year, I won’t be The Ricky Martin, Latin sex machine who mysteriously never had sex. I will be The Ricky Martin, closeted gay man. I might as well do a tour with Lance Bass.

BF walks over to The Ricky and begins to give him a shoulder rub.

The Ricky, do not be sad. Be happy that the world will finally know the real The Ricky. They will know you as I know you.

BF rubs The Ricky, his hand moving lower over his washboard…

Whoops! That last part is just for me.

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