My funeral is too important to let other people plan it, because quite honestly y’all would just screw it up. It’s not like I think it really should go too off script; there is a pretty well established pattern here. I just think I should put down my thoughts now; managing from the grave if you will. Plus, I’m fairly certain there won’t be any kids to implement my wishes.
First, no sermons or religious connotations please. My death is not a soapbox. The only wine there should be served by a bartender.
Second, it would be great if there was an opening act, like a decent local band. You know, that way maybe they can say I was indie to the end.
Third, Brother will do the eulogy. I’ve had so many people pass through my life it’s hard to know who to hand this job to, but my brother knows me as well as anyone. Love you bro.
Fourth, a photo montage of my life that will show after the eulogy set to Jonathon Coulton’s “Baby Got Back”. With it’s proper mix of melancholy and 90’s rap, the audience won’t know whether to laugh or cry, but they’ll know it has the Nick Stamp of Approval(tm).
Fifth, please cremate me. The only obvious place to spread the ashes are at my last employer so people can say “he died as he lived: at work.”
Sixth, the reception should be have a decent spread. I’m not having all my friends come to my party and have them think I’m cheap. Lets face it – half of America doesn’t want me to have a wedding, so really this is my one chance to have a decent reception. Good food, a decent playlist (take it from my birthday party iPod playlist – it’ll work), all my videos playing on a TV on a loop, and Rock Band and Wii because I have a lot of asocial friends.
That’s a good start, but I better keep planning. I want my funeral to rock.
Leave a Reply